In the early hours of the morning, when the dappled light is dancing slowly into my room and the sound of the ocean feels like it is lapping at my doorstep, there are moments, rare and fleetingly but they do exist that I roll over in my bed in the hopes that maybe just maybe you materialised in my sleep. That you would be lying there, a crooked smirk on your lips as you slumber, your body taking up more room in my bed than I care to allow but would never change.
Instead though, the space is empty and cold. Just as it was when I went to sleep. It remains just two pillows and some strewn about bed sheets. Not even the hint of an imprint of where you might have been had you existed in anywhere but my dreams.
As I get older and the years extend further into my single life. I realise it is the little things in a relationship that I crave the most. The stolen moments only the observer sees but holds so close to their heart. The body next to you when you wake, the knowledge in your brain before you are even aware of your senses that there is indeed someone lying next to you. Your someone. The same someone who kissed you goodnight and drew shapes on your skin as they drifted off to sleep the night before.
There are other moments too. Such as when they get home from work and there is the chatter, the daily catch up from the hours you spent apart. The debrief, the recounting of events. There is a smugness in knowing that you have that sounding board, that other perspective, that human giving you their attention as you fill the spaces with talk and noise.
I have no doubt there are a million of other things that I miss about having a partner but when I look deep down into the simplicity of what are rather complex situations. It is the little things of having a significant other in my life that I miss the most. Therein perhaps lies one of the endless lessons I have learned whilst being single. Real happiness is not this large looming thing on the horizon, it is already here in the small, numerous moments everyday. The body next to you when you wake up, a smile from the lips of someone you love, a decent cup of coffee, a beautiful sunset. Everyday joys all lined up in a row. So that when you look back at them, you realise just how big of a space they leave when you no longer have them.