loneliness : a human condition

A couple nights ago I ventured down a familiar path, one in which millions of others have gone before me and I dare say twice as many are yet to commit the crime in the future. My crime in question….I stalked an old flames social media. Whether we like to admit it out loud or not we have all been there at some point in our lives. It is late at night, you are feeling vulnerable and before you know it you are on their page. Somehow you make it back months and months into their life, looking at what photos they have submitted. All the while making assumptions on how their life is going without you.

What I didn’t expect though was two things. Firstly just how good he looked. He looks really good. Incredible in fact. He looks fit, relaxed, toned, his arms, his chest look strong and manly. He looks happy. What hit me though was how much I missed those piercing eyes of his. They are the type of eyes that you can see into his soul. His eyes crinkle around the edges when he smiles. His kindness, wit and honesty shine out of them. His eyes reflect the type of human being he is. That smile… oh that smile…. do not even get me started on that smile.

The second thing….was the loneliness, the shakiness I have been left with, even days later. The shakiness is coming from the place in my soul that knows,  right this minute in my life I am not happy with my love life. Don’t get me wrong ….I have been single for 8 years. I know what loneliness is. I have made friends with loneliness. I may have even made peace with it. There are times though that it does not sit right with me. It feels like a weight is on my chest and doesn’t allow me to breath. Like I am trapped in a small room with no fresh air. I have always felt that even though I am completely surrounded by people, that I am all alone. That I am standing in a crowd yet no one notices me. This feeling gets all consuming at times. It engulfs me, swallows me whole. I know these feelings will pass. They always do. Just like the gaps between the friendly stalking gets longer and longer. So to does the unsettledness  of my loneliness. I read a beautiful quote recently from Albert Einstein.

” The woman that follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.”

So for now whilst my journey in this maddening crowd called life is one in which I walk alone. I know it will not always be this way. The best thing I can do is use this time to understand who I am, know what it is I want and not let anything less than extraordinary stand in my way.

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