unclear

I am finding myself in a constant tug of war from within, the wild thing inside of me that needs to be stimulated, balanced. I am afraid that the only thing I can do is ride it out & wait until things become clearer. How & when that might eventuate I am unclear. Everything seems rather muddy in the foreseeable future.  I am overwhelmed & I am never at my best when I am overwhelmed. It consumes me & turns my insides out, my head becomes its own worst enemy. I am unmotivated, fatigued, depressed & sullen. All I can do is battle the storm. Wait patiently for the sun to arrive back into my world. So I sit in the place of uncertainty & wait for the tide to come back into shore & with it hopefully a new resolve.

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“I promise I shall never give up, and that I’ll die yelling and laughing, and that until then I’ll rush around this world I insist is holy and pull at everyone’s lapel and make them confess to me and to all.”

~ Jack Kerouac

****

“I made it the mantra of those days; when I paused before yet another series of switchbacks or skidded down knee-jarring slopes, when patches of flesh peeled off my feet along with my socks, when I lay alone and lonely in my tent at night I asked, often out loud: Who is tougher than me?The answer was always the same, and even when I knew absolutely there was no way on this earth that it was true, I said it anyway: No one.”

~ Cheryl Strayed

****

“I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.”

~ Walt Whitman

****

“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy—all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.”

~ Cassandra Clare

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