face in a crowd

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I find myself looking for you, searching for your face amongst the nameless strangers in the sea of people I encounter in my wanderings. I look for you in bars, on the bus, on the street. I see you in the faces of those who walk past me, or the voices & conversations I overhear on the tube, the snippets of people I soak up when I am people watching. I keep thinking that just maybe we will bump into each other & remember why it was that we felt like we did for that brief moment. The one in which we felt something that could not have its beginning. Perhaps we will have grown, you will be ready to let me in, and I will be grounded, staying in one place. One day I hope our eyes meet across a space, any space, a crowded room in the least likely of places, somewhere in this wide world. I know I will keep a smile for you. A smile for the time when we meet again, a smile you will know is completely yours. For now though, when we are so close yet so far from each other I will look for you. Are you looking for me?

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unclear

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I am finding myself in a constant tug of war from within, the wild thing inside of me that needs to be stimulated, balanced. I am afraid that the only thing I can do is ride it out & wait until things become clearer. How & when that might eventuate I am unclear. Everything seems rather muddy in the foreseeable future.  I am overwhelmed & I am never at my best when I am overwhelmed. It consumes me & turns my insides out, my head becomes its own worst enemy. I am unmotivated, fatigued, depressed & sullen. All I can do is battle the storm. Wait patiently for the sun to arrive back into my world. So I sit in the place of uncertainty & wait for the tide to come back into shore & with it hopefully a new resolve.

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“I promise I shall never give up, and that I’ll die yelling and laughing, and that until then I’ll rush around this world I insist is holy and pull at everyone’s lapel and make them confess to me and to all.”

~ Jack Kerouac

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“I made it the mantra of those days; when I paused before yet another series of switchbacks or skidded down knee-jarring slopes, when patches of flesh peeled off my feet along with my socks, when I lay alone and lonely in my tent at night I asked, often out loud: Who is tougher than me?The answer was always the same, and even when I knew absolutely there was no way on this earth that it was true, I said it anyway: No one.”

~ Cheryl Strayed

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“I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.”

~ Walt Whitman

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“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy—all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.”

~ Cassandra Clare

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home

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Home is wherever I am with you – Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Quite possibly the simplest of sentences are those that carry the most weight. Edward Sharpe could not have defined the notion of love any less innocently or sweetly than they do in the lyrics of their beautiful song. What if though, you didn’t have a “you”. Therefore you would not then have a home to come back to. I am struggling to comes to terms with my impending departure from London to go back to Australia. Whenever I mention to friends & family that I am returning I deliberately leave out the words “coming home”. I don’t feel like I have such a thing in my life at present. I am stuck, lost,wandering with no direction. The thing I am struggling with the most though is that I am yet to find a “you”. My faith is running at an all time low. Mainly due to the fact that I met someone not very long ago that I thought could be something. Not a “you” but at the very least a hey you in the morning though sleepy eyes & a goodnight you sealed with a kiss. Until then though, I don’t think I will ever get tired of listening to Jade & Alexander profess their love in the music of Edward Sharpe.

Well, holy moly me oh my
You’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh, man, you’re my best friend
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothing that I need

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you